Quite frequently in sessions with couples, we discover that there is a cycle present that is quite damaging to the relationship. This is one of competition or the need to be “right” at all costs. Many times these couples feel that having their point of view accepted as truth is more important than resolving an issue. The individuals in these cycles find it imperative that what they have to say is accepted by their partner as the only way to reconcile an issue. These individuals see personal justice as more important than relationship harmony. It can be difficult, when caught in this cycle, to admit wrongdoing or to apologize. This leads to a relationship impasse that can lead to disconnect and rob the relationship of passion and intimacy.
The Gottman Institute proclaims that “apologizing doesn’t always mean that you are wrong and the other person is right, it means that you value your relationship more than your ego”. So is getting past this impasse as simple as apologizing? Perhaps it is on a case by case basis, but most likely the “being right” or competitive cycle in the relationship may take some time and practice to break. After this is broken it will need to be replaced by ways of interacting that nurture the relationship rather than breaking it down.
At Texas Relationship Therapy, we are skilled in helping clients identify negative cycles of interaction and assisting in the rebuilding of helpful skills. We will listen actively to your point of view and help you examine what part it plays in your relationship. We will explore with you the ways these ideas form and help you to understand how to tweak competitive negativity that breaks down and disconnects you from your partner.
Written by: Kearin Miller MS, LMFT-Associate, CST-Candidate
If you have any further questions about this topic or to schedule a session with one of our clinicians, please CONTACT US.
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