Okay so maybe your wife or girlfriend wasn’t ever a tiger in the bedroom or a prowling sex kitten, but you used to have sex more often and now you are wondering, “What happened?” While society states that it is “normal” for women’s sex drive to not be as high as men’s or that is becomes less overtime, that doesn’t mean that it is any less frustrating for her significant other or even for herself. Last month I discussed reasons why men stop having sex, this time I am focusing on why women stop having sex.
- Hormone changes or misbalanced hormones. It is no surprise that as people age, so do their hormones. Women go through menopause and have to not only deal with decreasing testosterone, but hot flashes and sometimes emotional struggles in no longer being able to bear children.
- Becoming a mother. Many people notice a decrease in sex drive after having a child or even children. This can be a result from hormonal changes. Some women view sex as a means to procreate. Lack of energy and sleep are often a result of child rearing as well and many people, not just women, struggle to find that balance.
- Feeling undesired. You may think when we first started having sex, it was frequent and satisfying. As the relationship develops it is natural to not put as much effort into the wooing process. Sex might become more of an expectation instead of a way to deeper emotional connection. Women often complain that their partner just grabs at them or asks about having sex instead of taking the time to kiss them or tell them how beautiful they are. This is why it is important to keep wooing each other throughout the entirety of the relationship.
- Physical issues and/or medication. There are several medical reasons, aside from menopause, that can lead to low desire from diabetes to chronic pain to heart conditions to name a few. Furthermore, many medications used to treat these issues and several others have a side effect of decrease in desire and/or performance. Be sure to discuss any medications you are on with your physician.
- Depression. Depression can play a huge role in sexual drive. Women often pull away and feel numb or detached. Most women need to feel connected to have sex and therefore when depression pulls them away from feelings of connectedness this means their drive is affected. Again, many medications used to treat depression also have a side effect of decrease sexual appetite.
- Vaginal pain during intercourse or vaginismus. Vaginismus can be happening from the start, it can develop over time or is a result from child birth. Vaginismus is also highly linked with high anxiety. A pelvic specialist can help treat the pain while a therapist can help a client cope with anxiety and offer distressing tools.
- Fear of becoming pregnant. Believe it or not, not all women want children or they do not want anymore. Either way, she might be avoiding sex as a form of protection.
- Boredom in the bedroom. Many men complain that their women counterparts are not very adventurous in the bedroom, but truth is women also complain their partners just like one or two positions and they get tired of doing it the same way every time.
- Not wanting to put in the effort. Similarly with men, a common complaint that I hear is that the woman feels rejected too often or that trying to have sex with their partner is just too much work. It is easier to masterbate quickly and be done with it.
- Anger or resentment. Many times when a couple comes through my door with sexual issues there is often something else going on behind the scenes. One of the most common problems in a relationship is built up anger and resentment, often on both ends. And in a study, for both men and women, being angry towards their spouse was in the top three reasons sexual intercourse ceased. When this is the case, it becomes important to work through the anger in order to heal and reestablish the emotional connection.
While there are multiple reasons for why a woman would not want to have sex with this partner, the truth is that many of these appear in conjunction with one another. Whatever the reason, being able to discuss sexual concerns in an open and safe way can aid in building a better, more satisfying sexual relationship.
If you have any further questions about this topic or to schedule a session with one of our clinicians, please CONTACT US.
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