Dear Jen,
I’m not really sure what to do and need your help! My husband recently found out sometimes I fake it. And now he is angry at me and I just don’t know what to do. It’s not like I fake it every time, but ever since having kids it just been difficult for me to get there. And now he is on some sort of mission to make sure I get there every time. It’s exhausting and just frustrates me even more. I enjoy sex with my husband and don’t need to get there to have a good time, but he doesn’t believe me. Is it a bad thing to fake it? How else am I supposed to let him know that I am enjoying it? Please help!
–Trouble getting there
Dear Trouble Getting There,
I know your husband is angry at you, but I am glad that you were able to be honest with him in letting him know that sometimes you fake your orgasm. There are mixed opinions out there on whether faking orgasm is a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand, it can feel and be deceitful; though most of the time, well intentioned. As you stated, you want him to know that you are enjoying it, but he struggles to accept that you could enjoy sex without orgasm. This is something with which many struggle. Too often people make the goals of sex about orgasm.
Further, no one can give you an orgasm or make you orgasm. The sooner your husband realizes this, the better. You are responsible for your own orgasm. I know your body has changed since having children and now you need to figure out what helps to get you there and what doesn’t. Your husband can help in this, but the onus is on you. However, it is important to remember that sometimes you just won’t get there and that’s okay. You don’t have to have an orgasm every time or even most of the time or, honestly, even at all. When talking about sex with your husband, let him know what you do enjoy. Pleasure is more than orgasm. What brings you pleasure? Is it his kisses? Is it the way he touches you? Is it the weight of his body on yours? The way he looks at you? Help him to understand these things and hopefully he won’t put so much pressure on the orgasm itself. As this pressure will actually make things worse. You cannot orgasm if you are not relaxed enough.
Finally, there can be a “right” time to fake it. Studies have shown that if you are feeling close to orgasming, but struggling to get there, that faking it can actually trigger a real orgasm. The brain doesn’t always know the difference when we start to moan and tighten pelvic muscles and breath heavier that it isn’t real. The same nuerotransmitters in our brain fire and the same chemicals can be released. Talk to your husband about this idea: that if you do fake it, it’s because you are close and you want to get there for yourself, not for him. If you are trying to orgasm for him, you will continue to struggle. Always remember sex is about fun and connection. Anything else, is just a bonus!
Sincerely,
Jen
*Disclaimer: this is not meant to act as or replace therapy in any way. Questions sent in may be edited for de-identification purposes, length, and/or grammatic coherency.
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