Close your eyes for a moment and envision every place you have ever travelled, near and far. As you imagine yourself in these different cities, states, and countries pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that come up for you. Pay attention to who you became throughout your stay there. Perhaps you were more adventurous on one vacation than another, maybe you felt more self-confident in one country as opposed to another, maybe one vacation made you feel more carefree while another allowed you to discover a new perspective. Whatever your experiences, traveling to these various locations ultimately taught you about yourself. Out of all the places you have been, where do you call home and why? What makes it home?
Now…
Close your eyes for a moment and envision some of the people you’ve known, near and far. As you imagine these different relationships, pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that come up for you. Pay attention to who you became throughout your relationship with each person. Perhaps you were more adventurous in one relationship than another, maybe you felt more self-confident with one person as opposed to another, maybe one relationship made you feel more carefree while another allowed you to discover a new perspective. Whatever your experiences, interacting with these various people ultimately taught you about yourself. Why do we have relationships? And is it possible that amongst our travels to, through, and between all our relationships, we also choose one person to call home?
Relationships, like traveling, teach us about ourselves. We enjoy both because we learn from them, we grow from them, and we become more self-aware. They allow us to better understand ourselves. At the same time, despite our inclination to explore, we need a consistent, reliable, meaningful, and familiar place to return to…home. Most would ask, “where is home?” but as a couples therapist I can’t help but ask, “who is home?”
Having done over 40 years of research with couples, Dr. John Gottman developed The Sound Relationship House, a blueprint of all the elements necessary for a healthy, happy, and successful relationship. Take a look at The Sound Relationship House and learn how to get the “at home” feeling back if you and your partner feel something is missing:
- Laying a strong foundation:
- Who is the person you are getting to know? What are their likes and dislikes? What makes them emotional? What are they passionate about? What is their daily routine? What are their hopes and aspirations? It is equally important for your significant other to know these things about you. Remember, it is natural and necessary for people to continue transforming and growing so stay cognizant of the fact that you are never really done learning about one another. Continue asking questions and remain curious.
- Based on what you know about your partner’s inner world, do you show respect towards your differences? Do you show fondness towards your similarities? Are you vocal about the things you admire about one another? Never assume that your partner knows how you feel about them. Even if you think they know, hearing the compliment and appreciation makes all the difference.
- How much attention do you pay to your emotional connection? Do you acknowledge each other’s random comments, jokes, and/or questions about the world? Do you engage in conversations for fun? Being playful with one another does not have to end at the honeymoon stage; flirt, laugh, pay attention to what your partner wonders about the world, and get lost in your imaginations together.
- When you think about your relationship, what sorts of memories come up for you? Positive? Negative? If in retrospect you recall mainly negative interactions, it might be time for a renovation.Laying out and maintenance of the framework, plumbing and electricity:
- When there are problems with your significant other, are you proactive in your dialogue? Do you feel you face the conflict together productively? When an issue is present in a relationship sometimes it is easier to ignore it, but would you ignore a leaky faucet or a power outage? Probably not. Everyone approaches conflict in a different way, work with one another’s differences to resolve the issue. Keep in mind, you are on the same team with a common goal: to STOP fighting and reach a resolution.
- It is impossible to preserve a healthy relationship let alone resolve conflict productively without the two pillars: trust and commitment. Without one or both, the home will ultimately collapse. These two also go hand in hand; it is difficult to commit to someone you do not trust while it is similarly difficult to trust without commitment.
- Roof and furnishing:
- What is it that makes your relationship unique to the two of you? What gives your relationship meaning? What are the activities, holidays, and hobbies that add pleasure, joy, and happiness to what you have built as a couple?
- What dreams do you have as individuals and as a couple? How do you support one another’s dreams? How do you plan to help each other make these dreams come true?
Finally feeling at home with someone is such a fortunate and rewarding experience. Keep in mind that like any home, your relationship requires maintenance, attention, and some spring cleaning once in a while. By abandoning your home, it will inevitably deteriorate. Fill your home with love by building a strong foundation, unbreakable walls, and don’t forget to check on the plumbing and electricity from time to time. If you feel you need a handy man, couples therapy can help with the home renovation.
Written by: Y.M., MA, LMFT-Associate, CST-Candidate
If you have any further questions about this topic or to schedule a session with one of our clinicians, please CONTACT US.
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